I'm blogging today because I felt the need to shout out everything thats in my head and heart. Every post before this, either in my new blog or old blog was all happy posts, talking about how my life is, and some even talking about matter-of-fact posts. And now, I dont want to lie to myself anymore. I dont want to write posts to please people. But to write posts to please myself. I know no one ever comes to visit this blog. Like never. But thats even better for me. This makes the blog pretty much exclusive and well, i can write without worrying about who my reader is.
Im in my final year of school now. High school. Form 5. Everytime someone says "Jasmine, you got to treasure your last year of secondary school" or "Secondary school is the best" or "Your best friends are from your secondary school" or "Dont regret once youve gone out of sec school". I normally just smile and tell them "Oh thats what i hear from everyone".
Deep inside, i die a little. I pity myself. Dissapointed with myself. Dissapointed with how little ive achieved in my whole secondary school life. I see no accomplishment in my 5 years of school here. I see no satisfaction or pleasure or good memories in my school here. Even the friends i make - not that the people here are not nice, they are really really nice actually - I dont think ive made any extremely close friends from this school. Most close friends I have were my primary school friends of whom I reinforced our friendship once we came to SSI together. Not that im complaining tho. Cause this people are the people that did light up my life for the past 5 years. :)
But putting that aside, now that im in a class with people I did not really talk to for the past 5 years, I actually feel somewhat lonely. There are some people I can talk to, because theyre extremely nice people, (although i know ive embarassed myself with my topic of conversations and responses ive given them) but yet, i feel as if im the outcast. Like any events or anything, ill be on the sidelines, watching them.
Most of my classmates, i assume, would think that Im a nerdy person, always studying, the goody goody type of person. (lol) Im actually like almost the opposite of that. ahahaha. Its just that sometimes its better to study than to look like a fool not doing anything.
This would be one of my first times complaining online (if this is called complaining). I normally dont want to publicise how i feel online. I dont want to tell people how im really feeling and I dont want to give the impression to people that im sad and helpless and lonely and what not. I want to appear strong and happy. Yet, I felt the need to post this post. I hope no one would really come and read it tho. As i said, this is for my own satisfaction and writing this is really making me happier :D
Well, now, lets talk about my regrets. I regret. A lot of things. There would be many many many many people i would like to apologise to right now in this post. Or even directly. But what has happened has happened so long ago, that even if the person might appreciate the apology, the apology would not last anymore cause the thing happened so long ago that its not that relevant anymore. Theyll prob look at me and say okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
However, I would like to express my sincere apology to people whom I have talked sarcastically to, because everytime i talk sarcastically to you, I actually was so conscious of who i was with you that I did not so much think about how you felt. I would like to say sorry to those of whom i have been a hypocrite to. Sorry because ive been such a bitch and i really appreciate it if we started becoming friends again.
One other big regret i have is dedicated to God. I know i havent been dedicating myself to you. Im sorry, Lord. I thank you for dying on the cross for me and giving me salvation. You have been merciful and gracious to me and yet I do not appreciate your goodness. I pray hard Lord that i will worship you with all my heart and soul and I pray that ill appreciate my life that you gave me. Thank you Lord.
Sigining Off at...
5:19 AM
